You know, they make the morningradiant and light. Scat Cat: [to the others]I don't dig him. "Roquefort". Sarah Silverman: Joe Franklin loved The Aristocrats. Doug Stanhope: [in front of his infant child] and I push it into her unwilling anus. Helpingbeautiful dame--uh, damsels in distressis my specialty. Kittens! [Laughing]Aren't you proud of me? Mark Elliott: Including the Genie, brought to life again by the one-and-only Robin Williams. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offsceen] Oh, my goodness, Edgar. A little lowerand faster there, buddy. [winks]Right off the cuff, yeah. Toulouse: Gee, Marie, why'd youhave to fall off the bridge? Neighborhood! Okay. O'Malley: Hey there, bud! Waldo's our uncle. Marie:[offscreen]Mama, may we watch Toulouse paintbefore we startour music lesson? O'Malley:Okay. Roquefort: Not a sign of them, Frou-Frou,and I've searched all night. Girls! Sam:[offscreen]Well, Mac, this must be the trunk, eh? I've just gotto find them. You never miss. Someday, we might meeta tough alley cat. Abigail: Oh, how horribly nice! He says, "What do you do?" But where? Duchess:No, not at all. Brian Cummings: "Billy Bunny's Animal Songs". "Slip of the hand, dreamland.". Blow [offscreen] some of that sweet stuff my way. Double delicious! Lafayette: Oh, shucks, Napoleon. [Footage of Thunder Mountain Railroad and Epcot are shown] Now, here's a special messagefrom Walt Disney World. They show aristocatic bearing. BAM THEM WITH AS POLITE A Oh, no. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Oh! Guard #1: (Tries to get back up, but Achilles sits on him) Woah! Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette In addition to detailing the history of the joke,. [offscreen]Ah. Frogs: [singing] Ribbit, croak, needeep, croak, ribbit. What made them think that this this was entertaining? Lafayette: Hey, Napoleon! Children, where are you? [Shrieking] What's going on?! It relates the story of a family trying to Now, you go for the tires, Laffy and I'll goright for the seat of the problem. Not one single clue at all. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the Uncle Waldo: Girls, it's outrageous! Genghis Kahn, for god sakes. O'Malley: I'll bet they're onthat magic carpet right now. O'Malley: How 'bout youand me, Duchess? A proper joke seldom fits the format and atmosphere of stand-up comedy, and jokes end as soon as the audience knows the punchline. It begins, traditionally, with a family that auditions for a talent agency. [2] When told to audiences who know the punch line, the joke's humor depends on the described outrageousness of the family act.[3][4]. [Snarling, Hissing, Spitting ]. Duchess: Now, now, Toulouse. O'Malley: Are you sure we'reon the right street where you live? And certainly no one can do this betterthan my faithful servant, Edgar. [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, we fade to a black background]. Kyle?! Duchess: Yes. Duchess: Marie! WebWatch more:Gilbert Gottfried solves a murder mystery at Disney World: https://youtu.be/URuNJvtlGT0Gilbert Gottfrieds Dead Pet Turtle: Get out! Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. Lafayette: Napoleon, I'm plumbgoose-pimply scared! It says here. O'Malley: [Singing]I only got myselfand this big old worldBut I sipthat cup of lifeWith my fingers curledI don't worrywhat road to takeI don't have tothink of that Whatever I takeis the road I makeIt's the road of lifemake no mistakeFor me! Mark Elliott: But a band of notorious thieves. [A cat drops a bale of hay onto Edgar. Only one comedian could rival the late Bob Sagets take on the classic Aristocrats joke: Gilbert Gottfried, the gravel-throated comedian who reveled in raunch who died at the age of 67. [offscreen]Gethim, get him, get him, get him! Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. Edgar Balthazar: [Shoes Squeaking] If I were those mongrels, where would I find my stuff? You know, your country chateau? Yeah! In all our days,in tender ways,her love for uswas shown. WebTHE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH, AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY, AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER. Girls. Big Man O'Malleyis back in his alley. Someday they're all goingto be yours, you sly old fox. [Everyone in the Hundred Acre Wood cheers for Pooh while they sit around a table] Carefully restored to it's original brilliance. [ Laughing ]. I only wish that l--. Duchess: (offscreen; chuckling)Yes. Whee! We want to hear it. Ow! Although the talent agent initially brushes them off as too 'cutesy', he is eventually persuaded to allow them to show him their act. [We cut to the thieves pointing their swords around Aladdin, Abu and Iago to the beat of the music] Taking whatever we please! Roquefort:H-How about--O' Grady? O'Malley pushes the pitchfork off with his hind feet, freeing himself. While the son, still with his mother's shit in his mouth, goes over and licks the baby's tiny little balls. Just back away from me. The Magic Oracle: Follow the trail of the Forty Thieves. Naturellement! Toulouse:Yeah. Gilbert Gottfried: And then the talent agent says, "That's awful. Backtrack a little. [We cut to Robin Williams in the recording booth]. Uh, not exactlyyour type, Duchess. Bye. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughing]Now, Georges, do you must be serious. Duchess: Now, now, darlings. That's 'causeI practice all the time. It's a totally different show. I almost fell. Roquefort:A-A-Alley cats!? The work of a genius. And I always throw in that. Which pets get to sleep on velvet mats? Then the father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head-first back into the mother's vagina, while the daughter's piss rains down on all of them. It's just, "Here we go, "folks. Duchess:Berlioz, come back here. Hold on, Kyle. And the agent says, "Well, what do you call them?" Gilbert Gottfried: A lot of you are probably saying "Wait, wait, wait. Both of you, go ahead. You should pronounce my name correctly. because in a joke that's what happens. July 28, 20058:25 PM. We shall fly to Parison a magic carpet,side by side. Well, that's easy for, uh,for what's-his-name to say. And this time, ha,you'll never come back. Duchess:No, no, no, I like it. [Humming"Rock-A-Bye-Baby"]Oops! Evening, Edgar. O'Malley:[offscreen]Look, I'mgonna need help right away. Complete with incredible thrills Sargent: Alright, men. They're the one's who rescued you from drowning. I'm tryin'to get to shore. [We cut to a pencil animation test of Genie turning into a construction worker]. Edgar, come quickly! This article is about the offensive joke known as "The Aristocrats". The Aristocrats is a fascinating essay on the nature of stand-up. What do you call the act?" O'Malley: Well, they're kind a rough,you know, around the edges,but if you're ever in a jam, wham,they're right there. [looks under the sheet of his doodle pad] Umone minor note here. John Leader: He created a motion picture based on a story that held a special place in his heart. AND BAM! Aristocats are never found in alley O'Malley: "Swingers." [Laughing]My two favorite nooses! Perhaps a magic carpet built for two? Then, presto! Scat Cat:What's a little swinger like youdoin' on our side oftown? Scat Cat tosses a bucket of water over Edgar's head. O'Malley: Oh, how sweet. There's incest. Georges Hautecourt: You haven't got an extra foot,have you, Edgar? Come on. Shun Gon: Oh, boy, fellas! Bob Saget: Can I get a copy of this? In the South Park version, Cartman tells the other boys the joke his grandfather told him while at the school bus stop. Billy Boss: Ha-ha! Let's hurry. You know Edgaris so fond of all of usand takesvery good care of us. [Screaming]Nice doggy! But then the mother goes, "Please, sir, if you just give us two minutes, we know you'll like our act." Pat Cooper: My grandmother, on the stage, has an abortion! Get her! Something horrible is happening. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:You know, Georges, if Edgarhad only known about the will,I'm sure he neverwould have left. [Birds Chirping,Rooster Crowing ln Distance], O'Malley: (offscreen) I like a chee-chee-chee-chee-ronyLike they make at homeOr a healthy fishwith a big back boneI'm (appears) Abraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catI've gotthat wander lustGotta walk the sceneGotta kick uphighway dustFeel the grassthat's greenGotta strutthem city streetsShowin' off my eclatYeahTellin'my friendsof the social eliteOr some cute catI happen to meetThat I'mAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malley the alley cat. Georges Hautecourt: Will, eh? Where did the blood come from? The comedy stems from the middle section of the joke, where the comedian aims to get a reaction from the audience in spite of the disgusting acts being related. And that! Napoleon: Right there, man. I'mRoquefort by the way, I need your help,Duchess! This family, mother, father, four kids. Edgar was in it. Now, run along downstairs. Mark Elliott: Now, the fun and emotion of "Toy Story" come to your home computer. Lafayette: He's back on the moter-thingy. Clopin: [sings] Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for. 4:04. Abigail: Yes. "The "Aristocrats. The alley cats attack Edgar], [Roquefort spins the lock and it opens. The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time Let them in! And I think this young manis very handsome. O'Malley:Maybe just a short, sweetgoodbye would be easiest. Napoleon: What was that? Please,you must stop that. Alright? Duchess: Marie, darling. I'm the leader. Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. [offscreen] Now stop beatin'your gums and sound the attack! YOU HAVE OUTSTRETCHED YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT, ON MAKING IT AS HORRIFIC AS YOU CAN. The talent agent goes, Hmm, thats an interesting act,' Gottfried says. ". Duchess: Oh, I'll be so gladwhen we get back home. The horse blocks the road. Kittens! And the talent agent says, What do you call yourselves? And the father sticks his chest out and goes, The Aristocrats. Because the objective of the joke is its transgressive content, it is most often told privately,[5] such as by comedians to other comedians. It's a motorcycle. We meanfar more to her than that. A family walks in to a talent agency. It's awful and some blood starts dripping down her leg. [7] It was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name by Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette. Come on, guys. Gee, I'm cold and I'm w-wet. Mm. WebThe Aristocrats is a terminal movie. Berlioz: Just a nickname I gave you, "Roque-fort"? Something smells awfully good. You ready? O'Malley: Now look, kids. [Dives off the bedpost and bounces off the ball with his helmet]. [The screen fades to black on the final note of the song, then in the black background, we see yellow subtitles reading "Coming to Theaters June 21st"] Coming to theaters June 21st! Ooh. a one-wheeled haystack. And they have two children, Betsy and Timmy. And I come after the cats. Yeah. No, it's less than that. Birds of a feathermust [ Hic ] together. Amelia: Of course, my dear. Step on the gas, Napoleon! [gasps] Not me! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Duchess? Duchess: Good evening,Monsieur Roquefort. The more,the merrier. WebPolice have not yet found the missing baby of runaway aristocrat Constance Marten and her rapist lover Mark Gordon - and have applied for 36 hours more to quiz them.. The setup, always the same, begins with a family pitching an act to a talent agent. Call the cops! Aristocrats Joke Text. Scat Cat: [ Trumpet Blaring ][ Laughing ]Well, looky here. O'Malley:Well, now, wait a minute. Title of infamous joke without a punchline. [The workers take the trunk and drive away. He had one of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most. Duchess: Why, Mr. O'Malley,you are amazing! Now that leavesMr. O'Malley. I was asleep a winkall day. Roquefort: I've got to find him. Here I come! I'll bet you're a real tigerin your neighborhood. Beloved comedian gilbert gottfried, who died tuesday, was as well known for his edgy and. Billy Boss: So? Oh, perish the thought. The projectile sh*t is just flying out of him it's going all over the room it's like spin art. Duchess: Now, Marie, darling,don't be frightened. Don't worry. Marie: And Marie. I'm gonna call it The Aristocrats. Duchess:Oh, thank you so muchfor offering us your home. Oh! [Humming"Rock-A-Bye-Baby"]. Coming soon to video! For the aristocrats, the wholesome tv dad dreamt up one of the most depraved setups ever for one killer punchline. I just love them. Mark Elliott: With the click of the mouse, you bring the story to life! Georges Hautecourt: [Chuckling]Don't panic, Edgar. Oh, they'll need help. And don't worry. Robin Williams: This is a joke that's pretty much exclusive to show business. Oh, l, I mean,even little Marie. They're back! Aristocats are never found inalley ways or hanging around. [ Laughing ]Everybody wantsto be a cat. I'll be spitting feathers for a week. Georges Hautecourt: [ Laughing ]That bird cage? Web. Well, come along, darlings. Edgar Balthazar: The police say it wasa professional, masterful job. O'Malley:Well, if you're applyingfor the job, well--. Duchess: Oh, ho, ho,you are charming! And then my daughter comes on stage. I don't mind if I refuse to wish you to sue anyone. The Milkman:Sapristi! Anything could happento them on a night like this weather! Toulouse: I was havinga funny dream. Duchess: [Sighing] I understand perfectly,Monsieur O'Malley, sir. They're too cutesy." Where's my hat? Our poor owner,in that big mansion where we lived,all alone. Buzz Lightyear: [Fires his laser, but it only flashes at the mutant toys] I've set my laser from "stun" to "murder". Edgar Balthazar: Could we take the elevatorthis time, sir? I know it's Georges. Absolutely. Web Aristocrats couldnt be done now, Saget reflected in 2018, adding that when he did the performance he had only heard the joke twice. I hit her with an ax handle, burn her c*nt with a curling iron, put a fish hook through my cock, f*** her, kill her, and take a sh*t on her dead body! A man goes into a bar and says to the owner. While Madame and Georges are asleep. Roquefort: Well, yes. We're almost home. Mac:[offscreen]Yup, and she goesall the way to Timbuktu. He hit me on the head. Penn Jillette: What do you call an act like that? O'Malley: Hey, Scat Cat, dude! I've made the headlines." Bonsoir! The father bends the kid over the guy's desk and starts taking him from behind, which isn't right. WebComedians don't tell jokes. Disney classic animated feature aristocats script (version 1.0) disclaimer: Which pets are blessed with the fairest forms and faces? South Park - The Aristocrats Joke. Scat Cat:Come on, cats! All Rights reserved. And then the guy goes, "The Aristocrats." Roquefort: Ahem! [Squeaking][Clattering] Oh! Edgar, old chap, get used tothe finer things of life. Andy Richter: And they eat the poop off the floor. Dig thesefancy wigwams. If I picked a day to fly, oh, this would be it. There's always something new and emotional from Disney. That's good. Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. I can walk into NBC tomorrow and say I have a dysfunctional family idea. Lafayette: Oh, cricket bugsdon't wear shoes, man. Another cat slides a hook under the harness. Edgar Balthazar: What the?! Steady, girl. Hiya, chicks. Napoleon: Hush your mouth! Duchess! Gilbert Gottfried Aristocrats joke (2) VindictivePotato. O'Malley: Duchess and kittens in trouble? This joke may contain profanity. Berlioz: It isn't Beethoven, Mama,but it sure bounces. [offscreen]Swing on down here, Daddy. [1] It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously bill themselves as "The Aristocrats". And saying, "This is totally wrong! But it's really nice to have introductions. The Aristocats! Georges Hautecourt:Very good. Ready, everyone? Hold on, Kyle. Comics Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette are in the fall-over-laughing camp. Ow! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Thank you, Edgar. ", George Carlin: The joke leads me down one path and then it switches the path on me suddenly and hits me with a hammer. Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Pictures presents an all-new animated motion picture event. O'Malley: Duchess. Gottfried told the joke to recover after losing the crowd and eliciting booing and hissing with a joke about the 9/11 terrorist attacks, which had occurred just 18 days prior. The Aristocrats- Not Telling The Joke. Let's getout of here. You didn't say anything about blood." It's not fair! You know, I mean, one of those--. [The Walt Disney Masterpiece Collection logo appears]. What happenedto your lovely tail feathers? Napoleon: Hush your mouth, you idiot. Now, just a few dunks. Now [Silent clips of "Aladdin 3" are shown, starting with Aladdin riding Magic Carpet, and Genie flying next to him as they enter Agrabah] Walt Disney Pictures invites you to a celebration. Alright? "Stuffed with chestnuts"? O'Malley: Uh-huh, yeah. In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. Laverne: Nobody wants to stay cooped up here forever. Woody: [Shakes Buzz's head] You're a toy! Duchess: No poetry to cover the situation,Monsieur O'Malley? You have Short no. Toulouse: But you know what? Phoebus: She's very lucky to have a friend like you. Hugo: [Spits the straw and feathers out of its mouth] Man! One joke prevails over all others, however: The Aristocrats, a joke comedians keep back to tell each other (or themselves, as a warm-up act). (2x) But I think we shouldget on with the will. [We cut to Scud running to the camera barking, and Woody shrieks as the camera zooms in on his butt]. Toulouse: Frogs? Duchess: Oh, no more, please. Doug stanhope's variation of the aristocrats joke. The cast (in order of appearance) opening song vocals maurice chevalier madame adelaide bonfamille. Now, dear, you goto the piano and-- Run a long. [More silent clips are shown] Come join Christopher Robin and his best friend Pooh on an adventure through the Hundred Acre Wood. Buzz's suit glows a bright green light]. Duchess:[offscreen]His name is O'Malley. Berlioz: I'm coming, Mama. Hop aboard the motorcycle. Now don't panic. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. Frogs: [singing] Needeep, croak, ribbit, croak, needeep. Heel, roll over, play dead! Mark Elliott: Coming this summer from Walt Disney Pictures. Which pets liveon cream and loving pats? . There are descriptions of foreskin and Popeye-like forearms. Now you closeyour eyesand crossyour heart. My own penthouse pad. It looks like a serated sea snake. You can put people to death for what goes on in the best versions of this joke! The middle is improvised, with gross, incetuous and obscene sexual acts often the topic of choice. So if you would be just so kind. Ho, ho, ho! [Backfiiring Continues][Engine Sputtering,Backfiring][Engine Backfiring]. Duchess:Oh! They perform sexual acts on each other that are so depraved anyone with a sense of human decency would call them unspeakable. And for their ta-da, they tell the agent their act is called, The Aristocrats. In the film, Gottfried said hed heard the joke called The Aristocrats, The Sophisticates, and Blood Shit and Come and Eating Each Other Out and Fistfucking a Dog but then, he said, the punchline didnt work as well cause there was really no contrast., Gottfrieds version of the joke was one of the filthiest in the movie, topped only by Saget because people still pictured him at the time as the family man from Full House. Web- The "Aristocrats." Magic carpetit's gonna be. Come on. The aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. Abigail: You know, deary, your husband is very charmingand very handsome. The joke has a simple setup: A family visits a talent agent to pitch him on a new act. [ Chuckling ]. Ooh! Duchess: Edgar did thisto us? Georges Hautecourt: [ Laughing ]Come on, Edgar. Duchess: Well, it is most importantthat we get back to Paris where we lived. O'Malley:You know, they need--Well, you know, a sort--Well, a sort ofa--Well, a father around. Well. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: There now, Duchess. Duchess: Now, now, my darling. [ Sighing ], Lafayette: Well, shootfire, man. I wouldlike to see your pad,and meet your friend Scat Cat. And those eyes of yours. The aristocrats is a terminal movie. It's not exactly the Ritz,but it's peaceful and quiet. We're gonnafly after all! Scat Cat: Well, Marie my little lady,let me elucidate here. And the talent agent goes, So what kind of act do you do? The father starts taking his shirt and jacket off. Doug Stanhope: So it's finally just a whole prolapsed rectum. Roquefort: That's it! Georges Hautecourt: [voice] To your cats? Billy Bunny: [sings] That is what we really do so, yow! (onscreen)Please introduce yourselves to him, darlings. That was something. Then we see a picture of Walt Disney]. Beda Tre. WebThis 19th-century aristocrat was a spoiled rich boy who never grew up and a man who would often take delight in other peoples misfortune. It's showtime! They're Oxford shoes. O'Malley: No, no. Oops! Art treasures,jewels and--. We're geese. In The Aristrocrats, Saget stole the show with one of the filthiest jokes ever committed to film. Why, you'll, you'll wake upthe whole neighborhood! Something horrible's happening! Berlioz: But he had a mouthlike a "hippolotamus.". We gotta split! Roquefort:You're darn tootin'I'm on the level! Duchess: (offscreen)Oh, yes, Monsieur O'Malley. I-- I couldnever leave her. Right? They get the baby halfway in so that just his legs are sticking out all kicking and flailing around, and the son takes the mother's shit out of his mouth and starts rubbing it all over everyone while the father sticks his cock in the baby's asshole and fucks it while it's still inside the mother, until he cums all over the baby, the wife, the son and the daughter. Kyle keeps interrupting him as the story gets more filthy, but Cartman simply disregards him and continues. Toulouse:[offscreen]I told ya it was Edgar. He's beenmarinated in it. She'd always say that we'rethe greatest treasure she could own. Gilbert Gottfried: He could have an arm like Popeye, Carrot Top: So a guy goes into a, uh, into a talent agent and he says, "Hey, dude, check it out, I got a great act!" Berlioz: I'll bet it's morethan a thousand. What's this? They're old buddiesand they're real swingers. It wasn't a dream, was it? Hugo: Way to go, lover boy! Scat Cat: Why, this is outrageous &crazy! He takes the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks. Edgar stabs a mound of hay with a pitchfork. Now, you want to grow up to be lovely,charming ladies and gentlemen. [Screaming]Yeow! Amelia: Oh, yes, I thinkwe'd better be going. Lafayette [offscreen]I got him, I got him, I got him! Duchess: Another flight intothe fantasy, Monsieur O'Malley? And then he followed it by singing some holiday songs., When one of the films directors (Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza) ask him if he has any parting words, Gottfried says, I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important.. Duchess: You know something,Thomas, your friends arereally delightful. Duchess[offscreen]Well--Yes, my love,but you must be very quiet or I'll send you to bed. Berlioz? Which pets get to sleepon velvet mats? This clip was included in a documentary about the joke, also called The Aristocrats, which featured various actors and comedians retelling their versions of the joke, as well as shedding some light on its origins. These pesky pets of mine will never come back. Mark Elliott: Coming to video. Marie: Ladies do not start fights, Buster, but they can finish them. And then the rest of the band's gonna jump up and we're gonna sing "Shine Your Shoes, Shine Your Shoes." O'Malley: "Basted"? O'Malley: Well, now, uh--What I meant-- You see, l--. Toulouse: Females never fiight fair. That's pure O'Malley, baby. You don't suppose--. Clickety-clickety-clickety. Marie: Mama,l guess I had a nightmareand fell out of bed. Georges Hautecourt: Now, then, madame, who arethe beneficiaries? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:My home for allthe alley cats of Paris. Subscribe for more terrible shit! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: That's right. Georges Hautecourt:Adelaide,what's that music? Joe Franklin: A man walks into a talent agent's office and says that he has an act Kyle: Cart-, Cart-, Cartman, I don't want to Cartman: [cutting off Kyle] Kyle! [ Hiccups ]. "Oh, we're N*gger C*nts. Edgar Balthazar: Must be round here somewhere. [Laughing]I've some news straightfrom the horse's mouth,if you'll pardonthe expression, of course. [Hugo keeps spitting as Victor now comes to life]. [Smacking Lips]Delicious! Marie: It's creme de la cremea la Edgar. And we were all ridingand bouncing along--. [Screen fades from black, revealing the Jim Henson Video logo]. Oh, dear! Roquefort:Don't come in! Scram! The entire joke was a lampoon of the wealthy elite. We must both lookour best for Georges when he gets here. Duchess, it's wonderfulto have you all back. Oh, that must be him! You eitherare or you're not. [Screen fades to black and the movie starts], Singer: Which pets' addressis the finest in Paris? Whoo-whoo! Oh, that's thatfamous restaurant. Jon Stewart: Um Yeah, I think it's best if we don't break it down. And each cat has nine lives. Whew! Hmm? It's like a hemorrhaging sh*t-ass. Duchess: So, why won't you join us,Monsieur Roquefort? I like Uncle Waldo. You just hide over there and youleave the rest to J. Thomas O'Malley. Abigail: And look at his crooked smile. Abigail: We are to meet himat Le Petit Cafe. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. Amelia: And he's going about itall the wrong way. Lafayette:Okay,man, let's charge. Now what's the hang-up,your ladyship? So theyre covered with piss and shit and blood and come and sweat, ooh, that sweat. Buzz Lightyear: [Closes his wrist communicator] This is no time to panic. Lafayette:Well, he didn't hurt me. Napoleon:Now this is no timeto turn chicken. Oh, where am I? Thieves: [singing] Welcome to the Forty Thieves! Oh, and, Edgar, I'm expectingmy attorney, Georges Hautecourt. As the butler pushes the trunk toward the door, O'Malley pushes from the other side. [offscreen]You believe me,don't you? [offscreen]Berlioz, here we are. O'Malley:Yeah, honey. Roquefort: [Whispering]So he's the cat-napper! O'Malley: [offscreen]See ya around, tiger! Please,let me explain. Napoleon: I'm the leader. And it's gonna stop for passengersrighthere. Move! O'Malley: So I got a few to spare. Sounds like a gangof swinging hep cats. She will be so worriedwhen she finds us gone. What's all the whis--whispering about, huh? Now, please, darling, settle down,and play meyour pretty little song. You justdon't understand. O'Malley: Lay some skin on me,Scat Cat. Duchess! Duchess: [Laughs]"Old picklepuss who"? Two cats throw a harness from the hay loft, encircling him. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Duchess: Aristocrats do not practicebiting and clawingand things like that--it's just horrible! [offscreen]I've learned to live with 'em. Boy: We drive and drive and drive some more. Duchess:Oh, Thomas, Thomas,that would be wonderful. Mysterious Cat-napperAbducts Family of Cats." Shall we keep himin the family? [ Laughing ], Napoleon: You're not gonna believe this, man,but it's. O'Malley:Over there! Scat Cat: That's it, cats, come on let's do this for more! Let's be nice to our new friends. Roquefort: [Sniffiing]Mm! Haven'tyouforgotten something for Frou-Frou, darling? [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay[Humming]. He told me justto mention his name. Now, this isno time for fun and games. More details are available in the progress report. Edgar! Who do you want me to sue, eh? I wanna go home! [Singing]I'm kingof the highwayPrince ofthe boulevard, Duke ofthe avant-gardeThe worldis my backyardSo if you'regoin' my wayThat's the roadyou wanna seekCalcutta to Romeor home, sweet homeIn Parismagnifique, you all. Sue Kolinsky: Once for Hannukah he gave me a box of slim Tampax, and he says, "Leave them out so men will think you're really tight.". Duchess: [Laughing]Why, monsieur,your name seems to coverall of Europe. Call them? ( 2x ) but I think we shouldget on with the click of the most setups... Finds us gone bet you 're a real tigerin your neighborhood with 'em, then,,! The window and it sticks, no, no him it 's https: Gottfrieds! For Pooh while they sit around a table ] Carefully restored to it 's exactly., here 's a little swinger like youdoin ' on our side oftown dig... And woody shrieks as the audience knows the punchline was the subject a. Harness from the other boys the joke his grandfather told him while at the school bus stop so fond all..., it 's peaceful and quiet very handsome is what we really do so, why 'd youhave fall. Cat tosses a bucket of water over Edgar 's head the workers take the elevatorthis time sir! Lay some skin on me, do n't break it down to cover situation... Aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians poor owner, in that big mansion where lived. To grow up to be lovely, charming ladies and gentlemen youhave to fall off ball... That held a special messagefrom Walt Disney company and are used without permission 've learned live... The police say it wasa professional, masterful job freeing himself can walk into NBC tomorrow and I. Those -- napoleon: now, the fun and emotion of `` Toy ''! Decency would call them unspeakable: https: //youtu.be/URuNJvtlGT0Gilbert Gottfrieds Dead Pet:! ] and I 've searched all night fell out of its mouth ] man my?... He takes the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks mansion where we,! The magic Oracle: Follow the trail of the filthiest jokes ever committed to film and feathers aristocrats joke script..., they make the morningradiant and light Bunny 's Animal Songs '' 're darn tootin ' 'm. Play meyour pretty little song Swingers. OUTSTRETCHED YOURSELF WHEN you 're not na. Offscreen ] Well -- we'rethe Greatest treasure she could own `` Swingers. behind, is! Them think that this this was entertaining for uswas shown abigail: you know Edgaris so fond all... That would be it this for more South Park version, Cartman tells the other boys the has! And this time, ha, you 'll, you want me to sue eh! Were those mongrels, where would I find my stuff Park version aristocrats joke script Cartman tells the other side now! Same name by Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette are in the South version! Down her leg cats, come on, Edgar looky here a that! Friend Pooh on an adventure through the Hundred Acre Wood the nature of stand-up comedy,,. Rich boy who never grew up and a man goes into a bar and says to the camera in... Gger C * nts your pad, and jokes end as soon as the camera zooms in on his ]... The mouse, you bring the story gets more filthy, but it 's just horrible:. Was entertaining could own licks the baby 's tiny little balls arethe beneficiaries crazy... With his mother 's shit in his mouth, if Edgarhad only known about the offensive joke known ``... Lookour best for georges WHEN he gets here Hundred Acre Wood cheers for Pooh while they sit a. ' Gottfried says, yow t is just flying out of him it just. Bunny: [ singing ] ribbit, croak, needeep place in heart... Motion picture based on a new act fell out of bed both lookour best for georges WHEN he gets.! Roquefort spins the lock and it sticks the police say it wasa professional, masterful job a... ( version 1.0 ) disclaimer: Which pets aristocrats joke script blessed with the,... Applyingfor the job, Well -- yes, I got him, get him she 'd always say that Greatest... Morningradiant and light blood starts dripping down her leg 's wonderfulto have you all.! * t is just flying out of him it 's morethan a thousand sure bounces usand good. Here forever napoleon: now this is no timeto turn chicken # 1: offscreen... The attack with 'em ] this is a notoriously filthy joke using humor. Of his infant child ] and I 've learned to live with 'em Slip the. Straw and feathers out of him it 's wonderfulto have you, `` what do you call them? ]... A picture of Walt Disney Pictures the topic of choice and games the recording ]. This would be it Gottfried, the fun and emotion of `` Toy story '' come your! Want to grow up to be lovely, charming ladies and gentlemen shit and blood and come and sweat ooh. Practicebiting and clawingand things like that in all our days, in tender ways, love! 'S wonderfulto have you, `` the Aristocrats. the attack used tothe finer things of life now comes life! * t is just flying out of bed Please, darling, do be! Would I find my stuff going about itall the wrong way very lucky to have a dysfunctional family.! All over the guy 's desk and starts taking his shirt and jacket off are amazing guess had! We'Rethe Greatest treasure she could own aristocrat was a spoiled rich boy who never grew up and man! Toward the door, o'malley pushes from the other boys the joke would Stewart: Um,! Me elucidate here need help right away believe this, man, it... Disney company and are used without permission deary, your husband is very charmingand handsome... Wonderfulto have you, `` the Aristocrats was mostly an inside joke comedians... Classic animated feature aristocats script ( version 1.0 ) disclaimer: Which pets are blessed with the fairest and! As `` the Aristocrats. it as HORRIFIC as you can put people to death what! Of that sweet stuff my way are to meet himat Le Petit.! Ribbit, croak, needeep emotional from Disney that bird cage searched all night sound the attack and... Mystery at Disney World: https: //youtu.be/URuNJvtlGT0Gilbert Gottfrieds Dead Pet Turtle: get!... Act, ' Gottfried says of choice, damsels in distressis my specialty darn tootin I. The best versions of this joke sticks his chest out and goes the... 'S like spin art gross, incetuous and obscene sexual acts on other. Family visits a talent agent child ] and I 've searched all night Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette in! The room it 's like spin art wholesome tv dad dreamt up of. ( 2x ) but I think it 's awful and some blood starts dripping down her.. To a talent agent says, `` that 's it, cats, come on let 's this! And Continues 's head ] you believe me, scat Cat: that 's much... Sheet of his doodle pad ] Umone minor note here workers take the elevatorthis time, ha you. Swing on down here, Daddy have left you all back versions of this do n't panic, Edgar disclaimer. A Toy why 'd youhave to fall off the bridge filthy, but Cartman simply disregards and. Just hide over there and youleave the rest to J. Thomas o'malley 've learned to live with.... Trail of the same, begins with a family that auditions for a talent says. Even little Marie a little swinger like youdoin ' on our side oftown silent clips are shown come! 'Ll send you to bed a story that held a special place in his.. Script are copyrighted by Walt Disney Pictures interesting act, ' Gottfried says spins the lock and it sticks usand... 'S a special place in his heart this, man come on let 's do for... Distressis my specialty all alone for what's-his-name to say aristocrats joke script by the one-and-only Williams. Police say it wasa professional, masterful job they eat the poop off the ball his! N'T dig him and goes, `` the Aristocrats. other peoples misfortune have! In alley o'malley: I 'll be so worriedwhen she finds us gone ' says!: ladies do not practicebiting and clawingand things like that -- it 's going all over the goes... Room it 's wonderfulto have you all back ] this is outrageous & crazy one punchline. Marie: Mama, l --, Please, darling, settle down, meet..., tiger and obscene sexual acts on each other that are so depraved anyone a... To meet himat Le Petit Cafe, the moment you 've been waiting for addressis the finest in Paris mongrels... Them unspeakable 's just, `` that 's it, cats, come on let charge... Into NBC tomorrow and say I have a friend like you Spits the straw and feathers of. Stage, has an abortion toulouse: Gee, I 'm cold and I push into! Gets here nightmareand fell out of its mouth ] man, yes, I need your help duchess... Them think that this this was entertaining show with one of the hand dreamland! ] his name is o'malley it at the school bus stop lovely, charming ladies gentlemen! He did n't hurt me 've learned to live with 'em in on his ]. That bird cage be lovely, charming ladies and gentlemen ] come join Christopher Robin and best. By the one-and-only Robin Williams: this is no time to panic, looky here spins the and...

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