Knowing how to handle yourself if you start to develop a crush on someone when youre married to another is one of the most important ways of protecting your relationship from an affair. In all likelihood, there will be a policy in place usually saying that you each need to disclose the relationship to HR and sign a paper saying its consensual for both parties. Consider that a healthy, long term relationship (like a lifetime relationship the kind we all want) is not going to be with the same person. I do, however, think that its really awesome that your wife was honest with you about what has been doing on with her. Thank you Dr Bobby for helping so many people fight for their marriages and experience that potential. A little back story: I have a wife of 7 years. She was so easy, I was so hard. Hed say he would never allow it to become physical he has principals. We are talking and showing affection to each other like nothing in the last 10 years. Those feelings, those rationalizations, are the siren song that lures your marriage onto the rocks of ruin. I really enjoyed, really absorbed every word and appreciate the GREAT advice. Thats why I was worried my friend could be right. Then youll be absolutely free to lavish all your time, attention, and emotional energy on your growing family. Though we're all accountable for our emotions, attraction to someone is often beyond our control. It sounds shocking, but transparency takes power away from the feeling. (Persistent, intrusive, compulsive thoughts can be related to OCD symptoms, which can be sometimes successfully treated with anti-depressant medication). Your relationship will be stronger for it. All of this takes time (but is doable!) Should you confess? Hello, If the crush is someone you see regularly, like a personal trainer, how do you cut the tie? If you are not feeling it, remember your commitment and your vows to your spouse, regardless of feelings. On the OTHER hand, it may be helpful for both of you if you shared the feelings you temporarily had for another person, and framed it as being a sign that you that you are longing for an in-person day-to-day connection with him (if that is in fact true). Pete, Im glad you found this advice and are considering it. thank you Lisa. All the best, Lisa Marie Bobby. I was so expecting an its okay if you like someone better, just get divorced if the crush persists type of destructive advice that I have seen elsewhere. Ive also found the Five Love Languages theory/book to be helpful in creating a more joyful marriage. (Mindfulness skills, thought stopping and shifting, reframing thoughts, cultivating new thoughts, etc. Non monogamy will be the death of your marriage. Babette, thank you for sharing! So rightly said when you turn the light on and tell your spouse the power is gone! I feel guilty towards my partner and I would really like to stop having fantasies about my crush. it is really important that you immediately stop all contact with this guy and remove yourself from his physical presence. "That" Coworker Is Your All-Time Savior: 1.4 4. When you are around someone who genuinely has a desire to get to know you better, you can absolutely feel it. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. Thank you for your time. I tried to do the right thing but i feel bad and I hate this situation. So, you are married but you have a crush on someone else. Im going crazy I really like this guy I dont know if I should lye it down and tell him so I can get past it or if I should keep it to my self and diffuse the bomb myself Im afraid that if he kisses me I wont be able to hold back I dont want my marriage to end Im happily married with 3 kids but there is something about this guy who doesnt judge me and loves my personality and hears me out Im in desperate need of help! As in: Block Everything. Other times, its not a mistake at all, but a conscious decision. The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, Music Credits: Johnny Powers, Long Blonde Hair. I think youre right that my wife and I need to work on our relationship. I really needed to hear some straight talk. But today I mentioned it to an older friend in passing and she said it was very inappropriate and that was was probably trying to test the waters. And I wonder if youd also find How to Deal with Trust Issues a helpful episode. Ready to begin marriage counseling, couples therapy, or relationship coaching with Growing Self? If you do, thats valid: But it should be a considered decision and one that is based on your core values and life goals, and which takes into consideration the needs of the children who depend on you too. Summary. I have always tried to avoid these things and have done great up until recently when attraction seemed like a magnet. ), and be vulnerable with your wife. This is advice that people rarely take, always thinking that their own case is "different" or We offerDenver couples therapy and Denver marriage counselingas well as online couples therapy. My husband is aware that I have a crush on this man and does not feel threatened by it. Youve been in a relationship for years. Youre saving peoples marriages without even knowing it. You have not done anything wrong. Its not unusual to have a feeling of, What have I done? after ending a stable relationship in order to pursue a crush. Both of which can teach you, among other things, cognitive strategies to get a handle on the thoughts that are causing pain and suffering. Having a crush, or having had one in the past, is normal and doesnt mean theres necessarily anything wrong in your relationship. Dont go outside of your marriage. However, smart, self-aware people in good, committed relationships need to not follow those feelings but rather handle them maturely and with wisdom. Especially when youre feeling I love you but Im not in love with you anymore about your spouse and need to rebuild a solid foundation with them. We have found our way back to each other but it has been painful for both of us. They were just friends. It completely freaked me out but now, having listened to this podcast twice, I feel so much better. I am happily married like you talk about but the frisson is such a wonderful feeling when I am with him at work and we both have been flirtatious. Your words ring so true. Dr. Lisa uses a scale of attraction. I am so, so glad that this podcast and these ideas helped you recognize what was starting to happen and nip this in the bud. My issue is crush Ive been having on a coworker. I hope that you get involved with a good therapist or coach who can help you get some clarity about who you are, what you want, and how to create it. She is married with a few kids. For the first 3 years of our relationship I only felt platonic feelings for his brother so I dont know what happened. Then he got extremely defensive and claimed he was just joking with her and it wasnt sexual and we have been working on this for weeks. One of the bolder signs a married man is pursuing you is when the gifts come, and it is not even your birthday. and then leaning into the feelings of excitement and attraction rather than intentionally extinguishing them. If you have a loved one who is struggling in their relationship, you can help them get help by gifting couples counseling or coaching. Hes older and more experienced than me and Ive learned a lot from him. However, there was a bright side that resulted from it. Block him, unfriend and unfollow. Im sure if he had any idea how much I think of him, he would probably block me. But during the month apart, this strange feelings haunt me. The shock. Good luck! (You are basically saying that the issue is her issues, rather than taking responsibility for the fact that she is having a normal reaction to your behavior.) Those feelings, those rationalizations, are the siren song that lures your marriage onto the rocks of ruin. Its okay, feelings like this happen to people in healthy, committed relationships. I think youd find it helpful to get the support of a coach in this process. Believe it or not, having a crush may I completely agree. But at least youll have space to make them. To make matters worse is he started following me in return. He would never like or comment but he would view it. In fact, people in happy, healthy, committed relationships can still develop fluttery feelings for attractive others. You and your husband need to make some new friends, and forgive me for speaking so boldly but it is also likely time for your husband to make some different career decisions that are better in alignment with the kind of marriage and family you want to have. If youd like to divorce your husband and pursue a relationship with this person, you are totally free to do that. Its very dangerous sometimes. We have both been working in individual therapy for a year and seeing a couples coach for almost 6 months. As another bonus, it sounds like her reconnecting with her juicy fantasy side is having a really positive impact in your relationship, and that is wonderful too (and also a good sign for your relationship). Ive also had unhealthy attachments to other male co workers in the past and Ive confessed those to him. That awareness is a good start! Invest into your marriage. If I ever decline going to get coffee with you, it's because I don't want my feelings to interfere.". LMB. I feel like maybe I let my game down a bit and our marriage has gotten too comfortable. Dear Lisa, I guess everything happens for a reason, glad I did not do anything. All. I know he loves me and is loyal, but his lack of awareness for my needs for affection outside of sex has sometimes caused me to feel lonely. ..replying to him something like.. My heart feels like it will explode and I dont think I have ever felt this pain before. Learn about all our couples counseling services. He seemed nice, but he was simply one of the many people I came across at my work place. Wishing you all the best, I never imagined I could go crazy like this. Sometimes it takes time for one spouse to become willing to join in the work. We make a good team and have been successful on projects, so management have put us on lots more projects together which means we have a video meeting every morning. My question is how to deal with feeling rejected after a crush after liking all my photos on social media looks like he is distancing himself. I told him I felt vulnerable about it because hes not a big gift giver. Not sure why but my crush on a co worker has actually brought me closer to my wife. I love the one with the vulva! And he responded I thought you would like it and several of the memes involved themes of illicit or taboo sex, and kink shaming, and they were all goofy jokes. You literally spelled out our MO, lunches and all which was a big wake up call. I have listened to your podcast twice after feeling stuck in a horrible situation. They flare up, they fade, and it doesnt mean anything. Thank you so much for the advice I have been drawn to a seemingly mutual crush with a close friend for a number of months. I thought it was such an important question (and one that so many others share, Im sure) I actually answered it via IGTV! I am living in dispair since I first met this man. Do NOT allow the the fate of your family to be determined by an impulsive make out session in the back room. Im in my 50s shes in her late 40s I cant get her of my mind. It would be way easier if it wasnt mutual!! I have to tell you from my perspective as a marriage counselor who has worked with so many couples trying to (with great difficulty) repair their relationship after an affair it sounds like the shadow of the hawk just flew over your marriage, family and life and, happily, kept on going. I am sorry to turn down your request but again I wish you nothing but the best, Respectfully fist name It is possible that similar feelings are directed toward me from her. I mean could it be that you have those feelings for your BIL because hes probably the one person in the world who has as much in common (traits, appearance, genetics, mannerisms, etc.) His primary coping strategy is to not think about it but he is definitely grieving the loss of this friend. Date someone who you have a reporting relationship with. We are coming out with new communication skills and we are deeply self-reflecting on what we believe a marriage should be. 15) She makes you feel special. Your married co-worker is no longer joking around and just wants you, period. Look, this isnt necessarily a sign that he cares for you, but it is a sign that he might not be happy in his marriage. Heres the link to view my response: https://www.instagram.com/p/BwFP70tHGhp/. I do feel self aware and had already been doing some of the things you suggested for one, taking my heightened emotional senses and giving that energy to my husband. It came to a second crisis point where I told him I was done he could have her as a friend but there would no longer be a marriage. Sorry, English is not first language. My biggest concern here is she is my sister and will be in our lives forever. I want to make that clear. He has made it clear that he has great respect for my husband and values our friendship with him, which I appreciate and would like to hold on to. Marriage onto the rocks of ruin to get coffee with you, period attachments to other male co in... Crazy like this happen to people in healthy, committed relationships glad I did do., cultivating new thoughts, cultivating new thoughts, etc think youre right that my and... Turn the light on and tell your spouse the power is gone bolder signs a married man is you... Someone you see regularly, like a personal trainer, how do you cut the tie experienced than and! A marriage should be started following me in return on someone else back to each other like nothing the. 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