The codependent wife moved back without his help and then he said he wasn't going back to therapy after one session. Don't worry your anxiety to high and relax. Someone who can be inspirational, and help me or others see their own potential by being inspiring in themselves. I am still me; I am unchanged to you. Then there's talking, just plain having a conversation, without it being a type of lecture or loud daydream with tons of plans for the "next project" that will either never get done, or get half done, never to be finished. He got home about 12:30 PM and went to work in his basement/mancave saying "if you need me I am downstairs, but I had already made bfast and lunch for myself and I sat until 7PM alone and made my dinner when he came up and said he lost track of time and asked if I called for him. I have learned that I am valuable independentlyand I have a great job, great family and friends and that my life is NOT about simply about him and he no longer makes my world go round, I do. Until you are burnt out, and I finally notice something is wrong. We already talked last night and we good now. When your spouse doesnt listen to you, there are a few things you can try, according to GoodTherapy, which might make a difference. It seemed only logical, Im the identified patient right? Of course my Hcalled right back saying he could not hear his phone(yet his friend heard his on the 2nd ring). I think it is mostly that I hate to ask people to do things/get things for me. He literally goes deaf ears when I tell him Im sick. They are more important than you are. I do believe he is plagued internally by his demons and if I can't show compassion and let go of resentment, I would surely hate him for marrying me. (And he sees this as a good thing)half done, with walls half painted. Perhaps he would consider reading the free treatment e-book (look in the treatment guide for it) and also consider adding some 'attend time' to his schedule. When you marry, the two working, bill-paying adults in the house should set the important stuff togetherlike budget, schedule, vacations, house rules. And vice versa if she's the one down ill. Can't really prepare good food when you're nauseous and fked up all over. Oops! This has been a transformation in more ways than one. FEAR of loving, because if he really exposes himself and makes himself "vulnerable" to allow himself to LOVE,, he just might "get hurt", and he can't ALLOW that, which he told me recently. He always says "you don't know me and to give him a chance to prove himself". Submitted by Orbital Seattlite on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 14:40. I was always trying to coddle him, console him, all the while, since I was 17, begging him to get therapy for us or himself and refused, claiming that his bipolar mother was ruined by therapists. Yes it was my plan all along to get sick in order to make you sick and miserable! God forbid that I ever get anything serious. Especially if there is work to be done or bills to be paid I myself am married to a nurse, I get zero sympathy when sick. I was out of character. Its your life not theres. He says he used up the last of it while I was gone and that we can go out later and grab some when we are running errands! Run!!! You don't want to marry a man with kids, trust me. All this crap about his kids "coming first" is just thatcrap. When you marry, the two Without question, without me asking. I know when I'm sick, I freak out about being a burden & not pulling my weight. WebMy (soon to be) ex wife had little sympathy whenever I was sick, and honestly it really sucked. I don't think there is a way to forgive things like this. If you want to connect with your partner the 'trick' is two fold. He was disgusted. every day it rings at 6pm for dinner) or specific (one hour from now to come back up stairs). That's great! He said it was too clinical and she was cold. Once in a while he says hello but its almost like it never happened. But it's certainly something that could have become a serious problem if we didn't communicate. WebI love my wife. I ended up driving myself to the hospital after a bout of painful colitis- three days of complete pain and suffering, did not even miss a day of work. When she start ignoring you and letting you do what you want, then you have a problem. There's a few things that are scaring him, and he is right to be concerned. This is the response of a person who lives in the present. Press J to jump to the feed. His ADHD sounds poorly enough managed that it is likely that he won't EVER notice your disconnection (he's doing his own thing.) Fear,is the one that gets the most use, and what he bases most of his interactions with. My husband never realized what was happening right under his nose. Calmly confess and take responsibility for the times in your marriage when you have been dishonest. I know some have stated this, others have said the opposite. Sign #9: He treats you like everyone else. People are either takers or givers. He appears not to care youre pregnant and youre feeling unsupported. I count my lucky stars his empathy score wasn't way off neurotypical, but even so, it is affected, and I do notice he's MUCH better about me being ill when he's just had what I've caught, because he doesn't have to imagine how I feel, he knows from personal experience. You love me. Expecting him to set aside time to connect is really unrealistic, he would rather use his time to waste on any nonsensethat does not require him to connect with his spouse or children. Very hard to comprehend and maybe that means we are ok.It is illogical and very sad to live with like that from both sides. Like, my sympathy well was pretty shallow when I had 2 sick kids and a sick husband. Not flu/COVID/serious illness. If there's not arguments over dumb shit then something is wrong. Remind her of how bad you feel and how much you'd appreciate her help while you recover. Never underestimate the callousness of the narcissist. And that doctor he threatened to sue likely saved his son's life. Ihave neglected you. After 25 years of nursing, and seeing many faithful spouses by the sides of sick people, it is clear my husband is not one of them! Friday afternoon he gets home from work and goes to Like I was some animal in the Zooand he was just coming to see the specimen out of curiosity. Just gotta get used to it! Everyone understood, his friends, our friends and they wondered why it took me so long. I, too, have moved onto taking care of myself and am putting my energy into friendships and relationships that are mutually rewarding. The behavior, not the label, is what matters. SO has said they're sorry this happened, and it's probably worse for me - so they know they don't know how I feel. It makes your partner retreat - the opposite of wanting to connect. Thats I daze into the sunset and really feel lovefor that moment. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. During those 6 weeks, his helpfulness consisted of taking a empty laundry basket back downstairs to the laundry room and picking up dinner from a fast food drive thru Once! When my wife is sick, I tend to wait on her. But if I need or expect something maybe not so much because it wont register as now/love but as someone upset whether the upsetedness is valid or not. So I've (40m) been married ten years now and I love my wife (40f), but she has the most annoying behavior pattern whenever I am sick. When I confront him about what I'm thinking about how he acts, he becomes defensive and gets angry. Submitted by ppester1 on Thu, 03/02/2017 - 14:44. If she chooses to start an argument or to not be sympathetic, you can suggest counseling together. That lasted about 6 months for us and about 2 years for me to get over. Submitted by The Bride (not verified) on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 04:33. When you're feeling a little better just tell her how it makes you feel when she ignores you when you don't feel well or are injured. Being romantic just to get sex will be seen as manipulative. I could reclaim myself so to speak and put myself out there in the relationship but unless my H admits to the effects of adhd in the marriage and takes concrere steps tofix it, I don't expect another outcome. No one has the right to USE someone to get love, and know you aren't going to give it in return, or pretend for a while, and then stop because you "got the girl", or "got your prize", that is wrong, and ADHD is no excuse for that. Those of us who marry into it, with the person NOT thinking their ADHD is that big of a deal, create a lot of consequences for themselves AND for us, since in marriage "two become one". Somewhere, there's a breakdown, a distortion of what he's entitled to, verses what he thinks he deserves. but I am trying to get past the resentment so now it simply feels like a friendship and some days like room mates but my goal is to remain pleasant and loving, as I would treat a friend. And here is my confession, for I fall short of a Marvel superhero. Because, recently he told me, he was "never IN LOVE with me", which changes this whole scenario for me TOTALLY. And yes, I did remind remind remind suggest suggest suggest in the nicest possible way until I gave up. I did it again. So a few months ago I rang him to say my asthma was bad and I needed to get to That is not an ADHD trait as far as it is with me? This is not ok. The latter makes you miserable (as you know) and relies upon him to 'think of you' at a time when he's otherwise distractedif that makes sense. If your wife grew up like I did you are never going to be happy with the level of care she gives you, because its completely foreign to her. in Child and Adolescent Development and then an M.A. I asked him why he never, ever revealed that to me..no answer. Do you have kids that were sick too? How a Narcissist Treats a Chronically Ill Spouse. I actually yelled at him, told him how selfish he is. It gets to you after a while I feel lonely most of the day I get really depressed he wants me to clean up all the time when he goes (figues) but I am diagnosed with depression and anxiety it's hard for me to get up to doing simple tasks it's even harder when I have to do it on my own. If your S.O. He is talented but can't hold a job with benefits so I work despite having health issues. Thanks a lot!" He is Always the "Victim" and Everything is Always My Fault! Ive been silenced by my illness, cornered into thinking my illness was my identity. Bring her gatorade, soup, crackers, etc. He sees the painted parts and not the unpainted parts, because to him this is a lot of work. My wife was raised wrapped in bubble wrap and her mom would freak out at even the remote possibility of injury or illness. Sign #12: He Doesnt Pay For Anything. If I am not in his presence at the moment, I am not on his mind. I don't get sick often but last month I had a serious case of the flu, really high fever and wasn't holding much down and he wasn't bothered to even go buy soup for me or anything else. In all honesty if a man has intentions (honest) true love intentions knowing that you will love his kids, as you love him then you would be first. He didn't. No, not really. So cultural. You know all the important things. He just gets on his computer. But that was a lot of days for him to be unable to make any time for you. Any other time, is when he's lecturing me about his "thoughts" of what he is or isn't going to DO about something, but never any talk or inter-personal connections on things. So once I told him in February of this year that I was going to sleep in the guest room that is now my Girl Castle, he was not happy. Because in his mind, I'm supposed to be taking care of him.not the other way around. How do I know, I'm married to someone with a PD and this is how he behaved when I was injured when I was 8 months pregnantnot helping me when I was completely incapacitated. Your husband is a narcissist, sorry to say. If I ever get anybig illness, he will not take care of mehe doesn't rise to the occasion for the short lived acute ones. Unfortunately, many divorced dads want to be their kids friends and a DisneyDad to them rather than a father. I only hope that someone else will read this and that they will share their story without fear of retribution or being attacked. My opinion only, but having to force connection, attention and time and be the driving force for a marital connection that is so basic. well, that seems hollow to me also. (sorry, another vent) .. So,when it comes to love, what to do, and where to go from here. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:55. Yes, I chose someone who couldn't love,or who chose NOT to love. The one hoarding in the place you are trying to sell? I am a romantic to this day. Do you think being obnoxious made him FOND of me? anytime I am not taking care of all of the chores (he works and comes home and rests-) he is vile. I was "out of commission" for 6 weeks. I could be Gisele and it wouldn't change the fact that my H approaches the relationship dishonestly. I had an ex boyfriend who wanted me to bring him to the ER every time he had a sore throat from a cold. He is scared about his health lately. I still have another five weeks before the next set of X-rays, and have been off it this whole time: orthopedist's orders. He used me to "get love for himself", knowinghe wouldn't ever GIVE the same amount back, or even similar. There's definitely a disconnect. But, he can't get past the victim hood yet.). We also had an outdoor wedding to attend two weeks after I broke my foot . I felt like I was dying, inside and out. I am married for 10 years late in life now 60 ..and moved to Spain after 18 months I took the real flu I was in bed for 6 weeks with only sips of w Submitted by sickandtired on Fri, 12/11/2020 - 08:44. Many, many psychological studies have proven that kids who are "put first" in a family become helpless, more depressed, anxious, do worse at schoolare less psychologically stable than kids who have the adults in their lives clearly in control together. Maybe I'm just expecting a bit too much. Overthinking when my DH doesn't even think about it is a waste of good energy. I am at peace now, non-reactive for the most part, I don't care if he doesn't call or text me. In the main area of the house there should be 2 colors, and now there are at least 5. I m not saying it s right, but I am not putting in the effort for someone who lies to my face about everything. I'm feeling better now! You are right. He's better about being retrospectively empathetic once my feelings/situation/perceptions are explained after the fact, but pre-emptively, or even sometimes in the moment, less so. I didn't get medical help until nearly 12 hours later. I dont expect to be doted on and coddled when Im sick, but some level of You're not the victim the kids are. I really would like some aspirin now and not in 5 hours! He thinks about "whatever", in the moment he's in. Or pulled a muscle in my back. My experience with ADD people is they are takers. (he can't) He pinches pennies, in trying to fix something that he's usually broken himself, but then it ends up costing us double or triple in do-overs. Fortunately, theres a I jokingly call(ed) her "Florence Nightingale" because even others would notice how completely oblivious she was/is to any illness or discomfort on my part. You only get 1 life and your life matters, period. THAT, was fear. I understand how having a stomach bug can be physically draining-hard to eat,sleep, ect But you are a 24 year old grown up, if youre sick, ask to go to doctor or if she can take you. not good. But it was terrible to watch my child suffer like that. Always. Submitted by jennalemone on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 14:09. Yeah, he's not that thoughtful. I agree his kids should come first. But that was a lot of days for him to be unable to make any time for you. My hu Tired of the "sorry" "I suck as a husband but won't get help" "you deserve better than me" I broke. Im the one who is on disability and hasnt worked in two years. I'm not sure about what's being discussed about men. Except it absolutely is an ADHD trait, and should be approached as a perceptual blind-spot on the part of the ADHD partner: Reduced emotional empathy in adults with subclinical ADHD: evidence from the empathy and systemizing quotient. And again, why ask me to come back to him if he still can't DO that? God, family/friends, my job, my health and then him. What symptoms first occurred in registered trademarks of Ziff Davis Canada, Inc. and may not be used by third parties without All you have to do is open your stupid mouth and explain the situation to them. Once shes mad, the first step to resolving it is by me apologizing. "We can't afford it", but we can't afford to NOT call in someone. I sleep sound and I do miss a warm body but I won't sacrifice my sanity for it especially when he turns his back on me and I feel alone even when he is there. He didn't sleep well last night because he was stuffed up, coughing, etc. If I ever mention his behavior of that day, he gets mad at me and tells me that "I Never let things go and that I am to blame because I can't "forgive" him". Being intrusive and obnoxious so my partner would pay attention to me. He is loved by many, not evil. It appears you entered an invalid email. Do you notice periods of lucidity between the bouts of rage? And for this, I am truly, deeply sorry. We've been married 17 years. It's "his" problem, and it's mostly a "focus" problem he thinks. Like so many of the other posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic. I want to leave him but my family is against it. Messes everywhere in EVERY room, stuff everywhere, junk everywhere, broken things everywhere. So many of the situations seem so crazily familiar. I left work early and took them to hospital, tended them there, brought them home and generally took care of as much as I could to keep them comfortable and on the way to mending throughout. Maybe she doesnt even realize shes doing it. So yes, I was sick and I gave myself the day and decided to go to work where I am around normal people that dote on me. Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:36. We had an argument this morning where he says I am always in pain, etc. Best Sex Positions to Improve Your Sex Life. I can see how the advocated plan/tricks might work to create connection. Sometimes, I've wondered if some of this is not only the ADHD, its also, in some, (like my husband) the result of his emotionally cold and distant mother,who had mental issues that kept her from showing love, closeness and tenderness to her children. Because you are doing it and should own your behavior. Does she get sick often?Wondering how sympathy for each other is usually when one of you is sick. Reach out in an inviting way. We want to hear your story. a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read, Tell me about it..My husband lacks sympathy for me and the kids, His entertainment comes before anything else, They take as much as they can for as long as we allow it, Yes Dear Dede sadly we do know of that you speak:), https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/empathy-and-adhd. 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And to give him a chance to prove himself '', knowinghe n't. Orbital Seattlite on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 14:40 pulling my weight you being... There should be 2 colors, and I finally notice something is wrong have... For you, for I fall short of a person who lives in place! Treats you like everyone else was too clinical and she was cold ring.. And now there are at least 5 crappy childhood - one person mentioned a highly detached for... Deaf ears when I confront him about what 's being discussed about men wife is sick, chose...